Ways Men Show Sexism in the Bedroom

Guys, it’s time we have a very real talk. We’ve talked a lot this year about ways that women are being treated poorly in big and small ways. We’ve even had a lot of talks about consent. But there is still one big arena that you are showing major sexism that we need to discuss: The Bedroom.

Now it’s not surprising. It is said that what happens in the bedroom reflects what happens in the real world. So if you are struggling to treat women well in your day to day life, it stands to reason you will struggle to treat women well in the bedroom as well. But you Guys have some very problematic behavior that us Ladies are getting pretty sick and tired of. Women are not sexual objects for you to masturbate with and you need to stop treating us like that’s all we are.

So let’s talk about ways you can improve your behavior – and performance – in the bedroom.

Not Bringing Your Own Condoms
It’s always best to be prepared. And Ladies, I definitely advise keeping your own stash on hand when you are single and mingling, because men are the most unreliable of people. Birth control is now available in many forms and allows us women to feel more in control of our body than ever before. Which has resulted in men assuming we will take on the responsibility of providing the goalie, and that they are off the hook. Despite the fact that condoms are still the only form of birth control that protect against STI’s, and are the only form of BC made for men, men are disturbingly unprepared when it comes to hook ups. And that is very concerning behavior! Guys, you need to be taking responsibility for your hook ups. You want to know what is crazy sexy? A guy who comes prepared. Do you know what makes a new sexual partner feel safe with you? Bringing your own condom. And take it the extra mile and wear it without being asked. Safe sex is super sexy sex.

And Guys, I get it. Sex with a condom just doesn’t feel as good as going raw. But do you know what else doesn’t feel so good? Chlamydia. You know what else sucks? Paying child support. So why aren’t you bringing your own condoms to your dates?

Step one in treating women better in the bedroom: providing your own birth control.

Receiving But Not Giving
Oral sex is wonderful. But Guys, you have gotten incredibly greedy when it comes to oral sex. Expectations for oral sex are high, pressure to get oral sex is high. But the worst of your offenses: not returning the favor.

Oral sex is a lot of fun, but if you want to get you better be giving. Everyone knows you give to get. So Guys, stop being selfish in bed and start going down.

And hey, don’t just take my advice. Lesbians know what’s up here too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1wveGujCrI&feature=youtu.be

 

Prioritizing Their Orgasm
I could write something witty and quippy here, but this Babe.net video does a much better job than I ever could. And should be required viewing for all men before engaging in sexual activity with another person.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFwG4yXLBAs

Sorry You’re on Your Period, Can you Get Me Off Though? 
Periods suck. But Guys, I promise they suck more for women than they do for you. There are few things more selfish in bed than asking for your partner to get you off when they are feeling the opposite of sexual. So suck it up for a few days and take care of yourself.

 

So Guys, try to think of your sexual partner as just that, your partner. Stop being so focused on your orgasm and your pleasure, and start focusing on your partners. Stop making sex all about you. You’re going to get your orgasm, don’t worry. Start paying more attention to whether or not your sexual partner is actually enjoying themselves too. Otherwise it’s not sex, it’s just masturbating with a body.

The rumors are true, we women do talk to each other about everything. And you have a pretty bad reputation right now.

 

 

-Darci

What This Administration is Teaching Our Children

The last two years in politics have been an utter shit show. It’s hard to keep up with all the shit going on. The key players change weekly. The plot twists happen so fast if you blink you miss it. And we have all had to face the harsh reality that we are a nation run by racists and sexists.

But this isn’t just about surviving these four years and hoping that we still have elections and a right to vote and that we don’t end up in a nuclear war in the meantime. There are very clear, very dangerous lessons we are passing on to the next generation right now.

The youth of our nation are watching, and we are teaching them horrible truths.

What our boys have learned from this administration:
-There are no consequences.
You can treat a woman however you want. You can violate her body and the law and openly brag about it. You can blame alcohol. You can deny. You can coerce. If you want it you can have it. And nothing bad will happen to you. You won’t go to jail. You won’t lose your job. You can even rise to the highest power of our nation. So what’s stopping you from taking it?

-Women are not credible advocates for their own story.
Look at Dr. Ford. She has advanced degrees, a prestigious career, and has multiple sources supporting her credibility and honesty. She was calm, poised, eloquent, and professional. And yet she was maliciously questioned, attacked, and told all the ways she had misunderstood her circumstances. Meanwhile Brent Kavanaugh can scream and cry and behave like a bafoon and his testimony is considered the credible one.

-If you don’t like the truth, you can just call it fake.
The new mantra any man can use now when someone is telling a story they don’t like: Fake News. And that ends the conversation. A woman accuses you of rape? Fake News. There is undeniable evidence that you payed hush money? Fake News. There is testimony from multiple sources that support claims of sexual assault? Fake News. Man can determine truth and lies based on what is most convenient for them. The reality they want they get.

What our girls have learned from this administration:
-When men yell, they are passionate and full of conviction, when women yell they are unhinged and discredited.
We all know the narrative. If a woman expresses an emotion she must be on her period. And if she is on her period we are not to take her seriously. Because being on your period means you are irrational, and more importantly incorrect. This narrative is pushed in every platform. Find me one sitcom that doesn’t push this narrative and claim it to be humor.
And we women have learned that because of this ridiculous narrative that we must remain calm, quiet, and patient when we are fighting for what we believe.
During the last two years our girls have watched countless men yell and scream because they weren’t getting exactly what they wanted how they wanted when they wanted. While a woman calmly and patiently stood her ground and told the truth. From Hilary Clinton to Sally Yates to Dr. Ford, our girls have watched powerful and intelligent women stand their ground while men yelled and screamed at them.

-What happens to you in your teenage years doesn’t matter, because what teenage boys do doesn’t matter. Boys will be boys.
Just as boys have learned there are no consequences for their actions, girls have learned there is no protection to be found when they are violated. There is no protection, no justice, and their bodies are not their own. And more girls are learning to fear coming forward.

-His future is more important than your body.
We can’t punish him for raping you because think about his future? It doesn’t matter that he was caught in the middle of the act by two sober men who will testify exactly what they witnessed. It doesn’t matter that there are multiple women coming forward with the same story. It doesn’t matter. Because his future is more important, and we must protect his future, not your body.

 

We have to change the message we are sending to our children. This isn’t about republican vs democrat. This isn’t about political parties. It’s about teaching our children to be honest, respectful, and good. Otherwise our children’s fate will be worse than our own. #MeToo won’t matter, #TimesUp won’t matter, women won’t matter.

Our girls deserve better. Our boys deserve better.

The Mid-term elections are almost here. Go vote on November 6th. And maybe we can tell a new story.

 

-Darci

 

After a Year of #MeToo, Has Anything Changed?

It’s been roughly a year since #MeToo erupted and the world got a glimpse into the reality of what life is like for a woman. Many celebrities and public figures started by simply sharing #MeToo, but others started to share more. Details, stories, encounters, emotions. Then women everywhere started sharing #MeToo. Your aunt, your old Sunday school teacher, your neighbor, your co-worker, maybe even your ex. They all started sharing their stories. And suddenly this wasn’t just some Hollywood publicity stunt, this was a real-world-right-in-your-face issue.

And to a lot of men, this was a jarring revelation. How could someone be sexually harassing my old college best friend? Could this really be about more than just drunk and crazy men on the street screaming at strangers? To most women, this information was just a normal Tuesday. Because women already knew the reality. We already knew that sexual harassment and assault is part of our daily lives. And that it comes from the men in our daily lives. It was just men who were shocked.

A lot of men in the public eye have fallen from grace and had to go into hiding (though not to jail) and some have been uglier than others. But not a lot of men in our day to day lives have had to face any consequences. Most likely the men in our daily lives haven’t even change anything about their day to day actions.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the last year. Despite all of the women in my life who shared their #MeToo moments, not one named names. Not even me. Despite sharing our truth, we felt this urge to protect the men who made us feel unsafe. Perhaps because we understand the harsh reality that no matter how calm, collected, eloquent, and convicted we are, we will not be believed. Perhaps it’s because we fear further danger by escalating the truth too much. Or perhaps it’s because we have been conditioned our entire lives not to embarrass men.

But also, none of these guys stepped forward. Not one man who I called out (anonymously) when I shared my story attempted to apologize to me. All were friends. All could and most likely did see my post. All would have recognized themselves in the story. But not one tried to make it right. And yet I still protect them.

Justice wasn’t the point of #Metoo. Tearing men down wasn’t the point of sharing our stories. The point was to show just how prevalent sexual harassment and assault is. That it happens every day to every woman. That it is a problem that needs to be address, and change must happen.

There are plenty of men who were shocked by the information and shared #IBelieveHer type things. But there are also plenty of men who are mostly concerned with how this past year will affect them. Men who are worried their “good intentions” will be misunderstood. Men who fear women will confuse flirting with sexual harassment and they will have to face unfair consequences (even though none of them have faced any consequences). But there are still no men taking responsibility. All of the change is either unneeded or some other man’s responsibility to make happen.

What if, and stay with me here, men started sharing #ItWasMe? What if men started sharing their stories owning their mistakes, taking responsibility for their actions, and continuing the conversation. I know it’s crazy. But what if the next step of this story is men owning up to their actions.

Things like:
-I used alcohol as an excuse to grope my friend;
-I used alcohol as an excuse to ignore boundaries;
-I coerced my partner into sex;
-I wouldn’t take no for an answer;
-I was only interested in a relationship with women if it turned sexual; or
-I considered being Friendzoned an insult;
-I laughed at stories about assault rather than calling people out;
-I knew things were happening and didn’t report;
-I refused to get help when I realized I had a problem;
-I wasn’t an ally when I was needed;
-I could have done more, but I didn’t.

And of course, I know why this won’t happen. It’s an admission of guilt. It could lead to consequences. Right now, we live in a world where men can downplay all of their actions, they can gaslight all of their victims, and spend their days doing what they want to who they want and nothing bad really happens to them.

And god forbid a man be confronted with his past, attempt to be held accountable, face his accuser, he can cry and be as hysterical as he wants denying his responsibility, and still rise to power of Supreme Court Justice, or even President of the United States. So there really is no incentive to take responsibility, to apologize, or make right. And little boys everywhere learn that nothing happens when you assault women.

 

Darci

What if Misogyny Were a Hate Crime?

Every woman has a story about sexual harassment. Every woman probably has a story from the last week about sexual harassment. Our entire lives revolve around avoiding harassment. It determines how we dress, what routes we take, when we go out, every time we leave our home harassment is on our radar.

And yet, despite how prevalent harassment is towards women, we have as a society chosen to completely normalize this dynamic. When we go out for a run, go to the grocery store, go to a bar, literally just step out of our homes, sexual harassment is just a reality we are forced to bare. Men are left unchecked, unchallenged, and absolved of responsibility for their own actions.  

If someone targets people based on their race or their religion they can receive harsh legal punishment. Someone who repeatedly targets women faces no such sanction. Are we okay with that?

And don’t worry, I hear you already: this #MeToo movement has gone too far! Catcalling is just a compliment, you should be flattered! I wish people complimented me every time I left the house! If we police all of our interactions men will never be able to talk to women again!

To you I say this, we’ve talked about this before. Flirting and sexual harassment are not the same thing, women know the difference, and if you don’t then you shouldn’t be talking to women. I’m not asking for the opportunity to charge every man who dares speak in my direction with sexual harassment. But the men who catcall me, the men who call me a bitch for politely declining them, the men who purposefully get in my way so I cannot get past them in the street, I want them to know there are real consequences to this behavior. That this kind of behavior is not flirting, it is harassment, and harassment is not okay.

And maybe if harassment were a crime, the difference would be much more understood.

Misogyny isn’t going to disappear by itself. Women are being raped, abused, and harassed daily and our instinct is to defend the man, downplay the crime, and find a way to blame the woman for her fate.

If we classify sexual harassment as a hate crime that can be reported and charged, people will start paying attention. They will pay attention to the statistics more, they will pay attention to the severity more, they will learn hard and fast what the difference is between harassment and flirting. And most importantly, women will feel like as a society we are finally listening. That we take the #MeToo movement seriously and are no longer accepting the status quo.

This isn’t about persecuting every cat-caller and creepy neighbor, it’s about telling our teenager girls who get harassed that their anger and fear is valid. It’s about telling the world that women are people and we must respect them.

 

-Darci

Dating Deal Breakers – Feminist Edition! 

Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. There are over 7 billion people on this planet, and yet finding someone to survive this thing called life with is a wild roller coaster. There are all kinds of theories, strategies, advice, formulas, and algorithms all trying to streamline this process and guarantee a fool proof match. And everyone has an opinion on just how well any of this stuff works.

We all have our relationship “deal breakers” list running in our head. And the more you date, the less superficial that list gets. When I was younger my list included things like hair color, NSYNC over Backstreet boys, and what position he played on the soccer team. Now my list includes things like how he treats me, how he talks about people, can he keep his living space reasonably clean (though he does still need to prefer NSYNC).

Facebook is constantly pushing articles to me about “deal breakers” in relationships (what are you trying to tell me FB?) and I do find it fascinating. I started thinking about what my deal breakers are, and realizing I am very influenced by my feminist morals. And so I decided to make my own list of Feminist Dating Deal Breakers.

Now lots of these lists I have read include things like smoking, where they stand on kids, grooming, social media habits, and those are all very valid relationship things to consider. However, I am not going to focus on those kinds of deal breakers. This list is entirely focused on Feminist qualities to look out for in your partner – male or female.

So! Here it is: The Feminist Dating Deal Breakers.

A Partner Must Be Supportive

Your partner should be your cheerleader. They should respect you, celebrate you, empower you. You want a partner who listens to your boring work stories, and engages in them; you want a partner who encourages you to go have fun with your friends, someone who is excited when you get a fun opportunity even if they can’t join. You want someone who is going to celebrate you and validate you. You want someone who is going to build you up and be happy for you.

If your partner is jealous of you, uninterested in your job, pouts every time you go out without them, they are not being supportive. And what’s the point of a lifetime partnership if they aren’t going to support you?

A Partner Must Own Their Mistakes

No one is perfect. We all have bad days, bad weeks, depressive phases. We get hungry, don’t sleep enough, take on too much stress. And that is why we must all extend some grace to one another in this world. But when your partner messes up, can they own it? Can they take responsibility for their behavior and even apologize for it? And if it’s a larger issue, are they willing to get help?

Again, no one is perfect, everyone fights, and everyone has a bad day. Be with someone who can recognize that, apologize for that, and be better more often than not.

A Partner Must Value Consent 

I’ve talked about consent a couple of times. It’s something I value highly in a relationship. If you are pressured, coerced, guilted, or manipulated into any physical intimacy that’s just a no-go. If you do not feel safe enough to say no or stop a situation you are not comfortable with then that is not a sexual relationship you should be engaging with. You want to be with someone you feel safe with, you have fun with, and wants you to feel safe at all times. Someone who values your power to say “No” and waits until you say “Yes”.

Enthusiastic consent is a good thing, and should always be the goal. Consent, an indisputable “Yes”, is a very sexy thing.

A Partner Must NOT Have “Old Fashioned” Views

I’ve talked about this before: “Old Fashioned” views are just fancy words for justifying harassment. It’s not appealing to chase your romantic interest, it’s not desirable to ignore someone’s “No”. Pushing and pressuring for what you want is not a form of flirtation, it’s sexual harassment. If you succeed in your desires, it could even be sexual assault. Viewing sex as a transactional exchange (ex: I paid for X now you owe me sex) is unpleasant for everyone involved. No one owes someone sex for anything, especially in a relationship. Sex is an experience shared between two people, not a currency or a prize.

So if you are dating someone that makes you feel like a piece of meat and or just uses you to masturbate with, ditch them. There is nothing “Old Fashioned” or romantic about using someone.

A Partner Participates in Emotional Labor 

Emotional Labor is another topic I am very passionate about. I believe it is what sets apart modern relationships from our grandparents. Emotional Labor is the invisible work of caring, and it is disproportionately performed by women. It takes effort to notice how your partner is feeling; to listen and answer questions; to plan meals and dates; it takes effort to remind someone that they are loved and cared for. And in most relationships women are shouldering emotional labor daily, while men have the luxury of emotional labor being an option.

So how is the emotional labor balance between you and your partner? Who plans the dates? The meals? Do you both take pride in maintaining your life and your love, or does one of you see it as a chore, causing the other to see it as a burden? Are you with someone who wants to be a partner in this thing called life, or are they just looking to replace their mother?

Be with someone who wants to balance the emotional labor, who takes pride in your life and your relationship, and wants to do the work.

 

 

There are so many things to consider when partnering up with someone for life. But for me, what distinguishes between a boyfriend/girlfriend and a life partner comes down to support, humility, valuing consent, and emotional labor. What are your relationship deal breakers? What kind of qualities do you look for in a partner? What kind of partner do you try to be?

 

-Darci

Henry Cavill: A Case and Point Study

Welp. It happened again. Another Man in Hollywood fails to understand the basic point of #MeToo and, of course, his only real concern is how it affects Him.

Let’s let Henry Cavill speak for himself, and then I will break it down for you:

“Stuff has to change, absolutely….”

-Let’s pause. Every Man in Hollywood who has said “Yes, but…” when discussing the #MeToo movement fails to understand the actual issue at hand. They go on to downplay what is happening, what has been happening, and are only focused on how it affects them. And to prove my point:

“It’s important to also retain the good things, which were a quality of the past, and get rid of the bad things. There’s something wonderful about a man chasing a woman. There’s a traditional approach to that, which is nice….It’s very difficult to do that if there are certain rules in place. Because then it’s like: ‘Well, I don’t want to go up and talk to her because I’m going to be called a rapist or something’. So you’re like, ‘Forget it, I’m going to call an ex-girlfriend instead, and then just go back to a relationship, which never really worked’. But it’s way safer than casting myself into the first of hell because I’m someone in the public eye, and if I go and flirt with someone, then who knows what’s going to happen? Now? Now you really can’t pursue someone further than, ‘No”. It’s like ‘Ok, cool’. But then there’s the ‘Oh why’d you give up?’ And it’s like, ‘Well, because I didn’t want to go to jail?’”

-I have discussed this concept a few times already, but clearly it needs to be repeated again and again until Men get it: harassment and flirting are completely different things, women know the difference, and if you don’t then you definitely should not be talking to women.

-To be clear: these “Old Fashioned” and “Traditional” approaches that he is talking about, those are just fancy words for socially acceptable harassment. And there is nothing Good about harassment. They are part of the Bad that needs to go.

-“Wooing” and “Chasing” women is not “Old Fashioned” or even remotely flirtatious, it is harassment. It always has been, it always will be. Refusing to take “No” for an answer is harassment, not flirting. And while you Men may be lamenting the days when you could push for what you wanted until you got it, us Women are pretty excited and empowered to see those days come to an end. If making women feel uncomfortable at best and unsafe at minimum is considered acceptable to you, then you should not be talking to women any more.

-Regardless as to how “difficult” these “new rules” are for you Men, get over it. Women have spent centuries suffering under the “Old Fashioned rules” and #TimesUp.

-Some of you Men may be afraid to talk to new women in this post-me-too era for fear of being mistaken or confused for harassment. This is not an excuse to go harass women from you past. Those Women already suffered enough under your company, don’t make them suffer any more. Again, if you are struggling with the difference between flirting and harassment, just don’t talk to any women, new or old.

-Superman is the most boring Superhero and everyone knows it (ya, I said it, fight me).

-Perhaps most importantly: you should never pursue someone after they tell you “No”. That is the end of the pursuit. If you continue beyond that, you are no longer flirting, you are harassing. And yes, the worst case scenario for you could be that you end up in jail for it.

-Fear of jail should not be the only reason you listen when someone says “No”. You should listen because you have basic human decency. Jail should not be the only downfall that results in basic respect.

-And finally, Men, this isn’t about you. It’s about protecting Women, finally. Stop making this about you. It’s your time to listen and learn, not speak.

 

That is all for this week, class. Let me know if you have any comments or questions about another idiot Man who care more about himself than anyone else!

 

-Darci

Flirting vs Sexual Harassment

We are living through a powerful era. For the first time, women are speaking up, openly and honestly, and the message is clear: no more. For centuries we have lived in a culture where men see women as sexual objects that they are entitled to, and women are putting a stop to this.

It’s been a long, ugly process that still has so far to go. And it has been empowering to watch the progress made already.

With all revolutions, there come questions. They are ridiculous questions, of course, but they should be addressed nonetheless. And a big concern of Men during this reckoning goes something like this: what if my flirtation gets taken as sexual harassment?

The short answer is this: if you can’t tell the difference between flirting and sexual harassment, you should probably just not speak to women any more.

But it’s never that simple. So let’s break it down.

Expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone, in and of it self, isn’t actually a crime. Where the line gets cross comes down to context and respect.

Flirting becomes sexual harassment when it is unwanted and persistent.

I have been to my fair share of bars over the years. And I have had many a man believe that flirting was an excuse to ignore, not only my social cues, but my words. Men I don’t know touching me, and when I remove their arm or move away, they simply persist. Men who want me to go home with them, and won’t take no for an answer. Many times I have pretended to already be claimed by a friend I was with, because the only “No” that seems to work is “I’m already with someone else”. Respecting my boundaries is never present, respecting another mans conquest is.

Flirtation is playful, respectful, and ends if it is not reciprocated. Flirtation expresses interest, chemistry, and respect. Flirtation understands consent. Harassment ignores what the other person is communicating or expressing, and treats sex like a reward. Harassment isn’t about developing a relationship, it’s about asserting dominance.

Sexual harassment comes in many forms: non-consensual touching, feeling entitled to someone else, talking inappropriately to someone, chasing women down to chat with them, cat calling or forcefully inserting your power to talk to women in a creepy way.

Sexual harassment comes down to this: you are more focused on what you want than the person you are trying to get it from. And that’s a problem because when it comes to sexual acts, you need consent. When you persist without consent, you are now committing a crime.

We have spent generations downplaying sexual harassment, and so women face all of this and more on a daily basis. At work, walking to our car, working out in our neighborhood, basically any time we leave our home some man wants to shout something at us or touch us, and doesn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that we feel unsafe. Women are sexually harassed daily and the men around us don’t care (or, often times, are the ones harassing us).

Women know the difference between flirtation and harassment. We are experts. We know before you even open your mouth if you are going to flirt or harass. The issue is not whether a woman can tell the difference, but the apparent fact that so many men can’t.

So again, if you really struggle to understand the difference between flirtation and sexual harassment, and are concerned that your actions will bring consequences to you because of your misunderstanding, then do us all a favor and just stop talking to women.

 

-Darci