Ways Men Show Sexism in the Bedroom

Guys, it’s time we have a very real talk. We’ve talked a lot this year about ways that women are being treated poorly in big and small ways. We’ve even had a lot of talks about consent. But there is still one big arena that you are showing major sexism that we need to discuss: The Bedroom.

Now it’s not surprising. It is said that what happens in the bedroom reflects what happens in the real world. So if you are struggling to treat women well in your day to day life, it stands to reason you will struggle to treat women well in the bedroom as well. But you Guys have some very problematic behavior that us Ladies are getting pretty sick and tired of. Women are not sexual objects for you to masturbate with and you need to stop treating us like that’s all we are.

So let’s talk about ways you can improve your behavior – and performance – in the bedroom.

Not Bringing Your Own Condoms
It’s always best to be prepared. And Ladies, I definitely advise keeping your own stash on hand when you are single and mingling, because men are the most unreliable of people. Birth control is now available in many forms and allows us women to feel more in control of our body than ever before. Which has resulted in men assuming we will take on the responsibility of providing the goalie, and that they are off the hook. Despite the fact that condoms are still the only form of birth control that protect against STI’s, and are the only form of BC made for men, men are disturbingly unprepared when it comes to hook ups. And that is very concerning behavior! Guys, you need to be taking responsibility for your hook ups. You want to know what is crazy sexy? A guy who comes prepared. Do you know what makes a new sexual partner feel safe with you? Bringing your own condom. And take it the extra mile and wear it without being asked. Safe sex is super sexy sex.

And Guys, I get it. Sex with a condom just doesn’t feel as good as going raw. But do you know what else doesn’t feel so good? Chlamydia. You know what else sucks? Paying child support. So why aren’t you bringing your own condoms to your dates?

Step one in treating women better in the bedroom: providing your own birth control.

Receiving But Not Giving
Oral sex is wonderful. But Guys, you have gotten incredibly greedy when it comes to oral sex. Expectations for oral sex are high, pressure to get oral sex is high. But the worst of your offenses: not returning the favor.

Oral sex is a lot of fun, but if you want to get you better be giving. Everyone knows you give to get. So Guys, stop being selfish in bed and start going down.

And hey, don’t just take my advice. Lesbians know what’s up here too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1wveGujCrI&feature=youtu.be

 

Prioritizing Their Orgasm
I could write something witty and quippy here, but this Babe.net video does a much better job than I ever could. And should be required viewing for all men before engaging in sexual activity with another person.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFwG4yXLBAs

Sorry You’re on Your Period, Can you Get Me Off Though? 
Periods suck. But Guys, I promise they suck more for women than they do for you. There are few things more selfish in bed than asking for your partner to get you off when they are feeling the opposite of sexual. So suck it up for a few days and take care of yourself.

 

So Guys, try to think of your sexual partner as just that, your partner. Stop being so focused on your orgasm and your pleasure, and start focusing on your partners. Stop making sex all about you. You’re going to get your orgasm, don’t worry. Start paying more attention to whether or not your sexual partner is actually enjoying themselves too. Otherwise it’s not sex, it’s just masturbating with a body.

The rumors are true, we women do talk to each other about everything. And you have a pretty bad reputation right now.

 

 

-Darci

The Dreaded Man Flu

It’s cold season again. It happens every year. Your coworkers start sneezing a lot more. Everyone is drinking tea. Most of your emails are immediately responded with Out of Office replies. No one is safe. Cold season does not discriminate.

But for some, cold season is harder to weather than others. Perhaps you’ve heard the term “Man Flu” before. Probably from aggravated women in your life dealing with a sick partner at home.

But what is Man Flu?

Man Flu refers to the idea that men, when they have a cold, exaggerate their symptoms and believe they have something much more severe than a cold, perhaps the flu. The intention, whether conscious or not, is to solicit extra attention and care while he is under the weather.

There is a lot of argument on this subject. Several scientists hypothesize that men really do experience symptoms differently than women. Several women argue that their men need to toughen up. And honestly, both are probably true.

Now, I’m not here to tell you how real or unreal the Man Flu may be. What I have found fascinating over the years, however, is how men and women handle being sick differently.  How often have you watched a woman clean her house, care for her children, and cook family meals while sick with a cold? And how many men lay on the couch all day? How many women still go to work when they are clearly too ill? How often do men take a sick day at the first sniffle? How often do women downplay their symptoms and suffering? And how often has a man over exaggerated their symptoms and suffering?

Again, I’m not saying one is better than the other. I think both behaviors are problematic. I downplayed a cold for weeks and pushed through my responsibilities until I had pneumonia. So I know that “toughing up” can be a very dangerous way to handle things. But I have also observed a pattern in behaviors. And clearly I am not the only one.

So why is it that women have a natural ability to “toughen up” better than men? I have one major theory: menstruation.

From early adolescence, which for some women starts as early as 11, women have a monthly menstruation. On average, women spend five days a month in actual misery. Cramps, headaches, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, hot flashes, mood swings. Oh ya, and we have to deal with openly bleeding throughout it all.

And do you know what the craziest part of this whole monthly occurrence is: we are expected to suffer silently.

So many men are uncomfortable with menstruation. They don’t want to know about it, they don’t want to hear about it. It grosses them out, it makes them uneasy, it embarrasses them. And somewhere along the way, women decided to react to this selfish insensitive response to our suffering with accommodation?

We decided we will show up to school, to work, to social events, despite our extreme physical discomfort. We don’t take sick days, we don’t demand additional sick days to accommodate. We don’t suffer openly. We hide our feminine hygiene products. We pay taxes on our feminine hygiene products. We take over the counter drugs to ease our suffering. We settle for minimal and laughable medical research.

Women have to “toughen up” on a monthly basis. We’ve trained our whole lives to push through feeling awful and function normally anyway. So a cold just feels like more of the same.

So while you are nursing your cold this season, remember that all of the women in your life suffer silently all the time.

 

-Darci

Ways That Well Intending Men Creep Women Out

Hello Men. Today I am addressing you. It’s been an eye opening year, and I’m sure a lot of you feel unfairly called out. Perhaps you are feeling defensive in ways you never did before. Maybe you are learning about some behaviors and actions that you were never aware of in the past. Or maybe you fear that we women have gone crazy and it’s only a matter of time before you are being lumped in with the rest of these men.

And it’s not fair, you say! You have no intentions of causing harm or danger to women. You love women! So why are you considered a creep?

First of all, thank you. I know you are well intended, I know you want to learn but you just don’t know how. And I know you don’t mean to be part of the problem. Second of all, I hate to break it to you, but you were always a creep. None of our experiences, none of our criteria, none of our behaviors have changed in the last year. We just finally started talking about them.

But you are not alone! There are many Well Intended Men out there who have no idea how their actions and behavior is really coming across. They don’t realize women cross the street when they are coming near. They don’t realize their female coworkers avoid being alone with them. They don’t realize how they make their female friends feel. Plenty of Well Intended Men are just as lost and confused as you are, and are just as hurt to be seen as a creep.

So let’s go over some examples of common behaviors of Well Intended Men that are actually creeping us women out.

Not Giving Us Space
This is not metaphorical space. This is actual literal personal space. And let me tell you, men violate my personal space on a daily basis. When I am walking down the street, men will walk just a little to close to me. When I am at the store or bar, men will stand just a little too near. When men are walking toward me they never step aside or adjust their path to give me space, I am always expected to move around them. Men who are brushing past me and literally touching me. Men who force me to alter my course. Men who just seem oblivious that I am occupying this space already and they need to give me room.

And it’s not quite threatening behavior, but it’s certainly not behavior that makes me feel safe. There’s something that happens when a stranger enters your personal space that sends off singles to protect yourself, to be on the defense. And when a man I don’t know is invading my personal space, it creeps me out.

So Well Intending Men, step one: back off. Literally. Pay more attention to the personal space you are invading, regardless of your intentions, and just stop. Because regardless as to your intentions or unawareness, you are violating our personal space and it is creepy and unsettling.

Complimenting
“Wow, you are beautiful. Has someone told you that today?”
“Thank you so much, you have been so helpful. If my wife wasn’t here I would kiss you!”
“I wish more beautiful women like you talked to me”
“That dress is really flattering on you. You should dress like that more often”

All of these are things actual men have actually said to me. At work. These were not crazy men shouting at me on the street. These were clients and coworkers. And do you know what I didn’t feel when they made comments like this to me: flattered. Do you know what I did feel: creeped out.

And here is why. All of these compliments have a very uncomfortable and sexual undertone. They all imply a conversation that I have no interest in having. They all imply actions I have no interest in participating in. They have taken a normal and professional interaction and turned it sexual. These comments devalue me down to just a sexual being here for their pleasure.

So, Well Intending Men, how can you avoid this common mistake? Stop making your compliments towards women sexual! Just because you notice a woman is attractive does not mean you have to voice that. Acknowledge, affirm, and appriciate the actual work being done, but don’t make it sexual.

Understanding Work/Personal Life Boundaries
Sorry, but yes, there are more ways to creep out your coworkers than just inappropriate compliments. Every office has one: the guy you dread being left alone with in the break room. That guy who you always have awkward one-minute conversation with that seem to last an hour; that guy who hovers at the edge of the group during happy hour; that guy who doggedly asks his female coworkers out to lunch. It’s that guy who doesn’t understand that there are social boundaries at work that need to be respected. And he only seems to struggle with this understanding when it comes to his female coworkers. He very well may be loved by his male coworkers, they may all be baffled to learn that the women of the office avoid him.

So what is socially acceptable work place talk? For example, asking someone how their weekend was or what they have planned is totally acceptable. But pressing for details that are not volunteered, or inviting yourself along to plans is unacceptable. Discussing sporting events that you share a mutual interest in, or a movie or concert, totally fine. Perhaps even organizing or attending a work social event around those shared interests, totally fine. But trying to facilitate a one-on-one outside of work outs inspired by these shared interests crosses a line. Complimenting and acknowledging someones work performance is great, but commenting on their figure is not.

Look, yes, sometimes work place friendships and romances happen. It’s purely mathematical. But you should not expect this to happen. You should not treat your work environment like your social well. If things happen naturally that is one thing. But if you are forcing things, endlessly facilitating things, friend requesting your female coworkers or clients on social media, you are making these women uncomfortable.

And you need to stop. Start viewing the women you work with as coworkers and leave it at that. The world is full of dating apps for you to find people to make weekend plans with and watch sporting events with, leave the women you work with alone.

Making Everything About Sex
So we’ve talked about ways you may be creeping out strangers, we’ve talked about multiple ways you may be creeping out your coworkers and clients. Let’s talk about how you may be creeping out your female friends.

Well Intended Man, let me ask you. Do you often find yourself discussing sex in casual conversation? Responding to casual comments with sexual innuendos? Referencing your favorite porn around the campfire? Bringing attention to the fact that you know your friends are in a sexual relationship? If you said yes to any of this, let me ask you further: how did the women in these situations respond? Did they laugh and seem engaged? Banter back? Or did they get quiet, and maybe seem unamused and perhaps uncomfortable?

Or, Well Intended Man, how about this. What are your expectations of your single female friends? When you go to social gatherings do you expect these single female friends to flirt with you? Be open and available to sexual acts with you? Do you get upset if the night doesn’t result in sexual activity with this single female friend? Do you view the night as a waste because your single female friend didn’t engaged sexually with you? When you decide to reach out to your female friends, what is the motivator? How quickly does your casual-chit-chat-catch-up turn sexual on your part? If you said yes to any of this, let me ask you further: how did the women in these situations respond? Do they continue to invite you to things? Do they continue to engage in the conversation once it turns sexual? Or do these women fade out of your life?

For me, the hardest part of maintaining my friendships with my guy friends was that they all expected more than just friendship. Suddenly every conversation turned into something sexual, and I was uncomfortable. Every hang out there was a clear expectation of physical intimacy. And when I didn’t reciprocate they would get mad at me. Accuse me of wasting their time. When I invited them to social things I would get responses like, “well but is this all we are going to do, because if nothing else is going to happen this isn’t really worth my while tonight” making me feel like our friendship was only ever seen as a means to a sexual end.

And you know what, I stopped being friends with these people. I stopped reaching out for chit-chat-catch-up, and I stopped engaging when they reached out to me. I stopped inviting them to social gatherings because I didn’t like the pressure they put on me.

So, Well Intended Man, I ask you this: do you actually have female friendships? Or do you just seem women as a source to eventual sex? What are your expectations and motivations of having female friends?

 

Basically, Well Intended Man, how do you view the women in your life? Do you seem them as active members of this community, contributing and passionate? Or do you see the women around you as opportunities?

Again, I know you are well intended. I know you want to have good interactions with women, that you want the women around you to feel safe and comfortable. You just don’t realize that your everyday behavior is creepy. You don’t realize that your view and outlook on the purpose of a woman is not to please you sexually and revolve around you.

And I know you want to be better! So here is what I advice. Start giving more space to the women of the world. If you could easily or accidentally touch a woman who is not an intimate partner, you are standing too close. Give her more space. If you are brushing against strangers as you walk past, you are too close. Pay attention and respect the personal space of women. Stop making your compliments weirdly sexual. When a woman in a professional environment helps you, just say thank you and leave it at that. Stop treating the women you work with different than you treat the men. Stop viewing the women you work with as a social opportunity beyond professional. And stop making your friends uncomfortable with all your sexual talk. Just like sex acts, sex talk requires consent. If you don’t have the consent to talk sexually with someone, then don’t talk sexually. If you think it’s weird to establish that boundary officially, then you definitely shouldn’t be talking about sex.

Basically, stop seeing women as a means purely for sex and ego boosts, and start viewing them as people.

 

-Darci

After a Year of #MeToo, Has Anything Changed?

It’s been roughly a year since #MeToo erupted and the world got a glimpse into the reality of what life is like for a woman. Many celebrities and public figures started by simply sharing #MeToo, but others started to share more. Details, stories, encounters, emotions. Then women everywhere started sharing #MeToo. Your aunt, your old Sunday school teacher, your neighbor, your co-worker, maybe even your ex. They all started sharing their stories. And suddenly this wasn’t just some Hollywood publicity stunt, this was a real-world-right-in-your-face issue.

And to a lot of men, this was a jarring revelation. How could someone be sexually harassing my old college best friend? Could this really be about more than just drunk and crazy men on the street screaming at strangers? To most women, this information was just a normal Tuesday. Because women already knew the reality. We already knew that sexual harassment and assault is part of our daily lives. And that it comes from the men in our daily lives. It was just men who were shocked.

A lot of men in the public eye have fallen from grace and had to go into hiding (though not to jail) and some have been uglier than others. But not a lot of men in our day to day lives have had to face any consequences. Most likely the men in our daily lives haven’t even change anything about their day to day actions.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the last year. Despite all of the women in my life who shared their #MeToo moments, not one named names. Not even me. Despite sharing our truth, we felt this urge to protect the men who made us feel unsafe. Perhaps because we understand the harsh reality that no matter how calm, collected, eloquent, and convicted we are, we will not be believed. Perhaps it’s because we fear further danger by escalating the truth too much. Or perhaps it’s because we have been conditioned our entire lives not to embarrass men.

But also, none of these guys stepped forward. Not one man who I called out (anonymously) when I shared my story attempted to apologize to me. All were friends. All could and most likely did see my post. All would have recognized themselves in the story. But not one tried to make it right. And yet I still protect them.

Justice wasn’t the point of #Metoo. Tearing men down wasn’t the point of sharing our stories. The point was to show just how prevalent sexual harassment and assault is. That it happens every day to every woman. That it is a problem that needs to be address, and change must happen.

There are plenty of men who were shocked by the information and shared #IBelieveHer type things. But there are also plenty of men who are mostly concerned with how this past year will affect them. Men who are worried their “good intentions” will be misunderstood. Men who fear women will confuse flirting with sexual harassment and they will have to face unfair consequences (even though none of them have faced any consequences). But there are still no men taking responsibility. All of the change is either unneeded or some other man’s responsibility to make happen.

What if, and stay with me here, men started sharing #ItWasMe? What if men started sharing their stories owning their mistakes, taking responsibility for their actions, and continuing the conversation. I know it’s crazy. But what if the next step of this story is men owning up to their actions.

Things like:
-I used alcohol as an excuse to grope my friend;
-I used alcohol as an excuse to ignore boundaries;
-I coerced my partner into sex;
-I wouldn’t take no for an answer;
-I was only interested in a relationship with women if it turned sexual; or
-I considered being Friendzoned an insult;
-I laughed at stories about assault rather than calling people out;
-I knew things were happening and didn’t report;
-I refused to get help when I realized I had a problem;
-I wasn’t an ally when I was needed;
-I could have done more, but I didn’t.

And of course, I know why this won’t happen. It’s an admission of guilt. It could lead to consequences. Right now, we live in a world where men can downplay all of their actions, they can gaslight all of their victims, and spend their days doing what they want to who they want and nothing bad really happens to them.

And god forbid a man be confronted with his past, attempt to be held accountable, face his accuser, he can cry and be as hysterical as he wants denying his responsibility, and still rise to power of Supreme Court Justice, or even President of the United States. So there really is no incentive to take responsibility, to apologize, or make right. And little boys everywhere learn that nothing happens when you assault women.

 

Darci

What if Misogyny Were a Hate Crime?

Every woman has a story about sexual harassment. Every woman probably has a story from the last week about sexual harassment. Our entire lives revolve around avoiding harassment. It determines how we dress, what routes we take, when we go out, every time we leave our home harassment is on our radar.

And yet, despite how prevalent harassment is towards women, we have as a society chosen to completely normalize this dynamic. When we go out for a run, go to the grocery store, go to a bar, literally just step out of our homes, sexual harassment is just a reality we are forced to bare. Men are left unchecked, unchallenged, and absolved of responsibility for their own actions.  

If someone targets people based on their race or their religion they can receive harsh legal punishment. Someone who repeatedly targets women faces no such sanction. Are we okay with that?

And don’t worry, I hear you already: this #MeToo movement has gone too far! Catcalling is just a compliment, you should be flattered! I wish people complimented me every time I left the house! If we police all of our interactions men will never be able to talk to women again!

To you I say this, we’ve talked about this before. Flirting and sexual harassment are not the same thing, women know the difference, and if you don’t then you shouldn’t be talking to women. I’m not asking for the opportunity to charge every man who dares speak in my direction with sexual harassment. But the men who catcall me, the men who call me a bitch for politely declining them, the men who purposefully get in my way so I cannot get past them in the street, I want them to know there are real consequences to this behavior. That this kind of behavior is not flirting, it is harassment, and harassment is not okay.

And maybe if harassment were a crime, the difference would be much more understood.

Misogyny isn’t going to disappear by itself. Women are being raped, abused, and harassed daily and our instinct is to defend the man, downplay the crime, and find a way to blame the woman for her fate.

If we classify sexual harassment as a hate crime that can be reported and charged, people will start paying attention. They will pay attention to the statistics more, they will pay attention to the severity more, they will learn hard and fast what the difference is between harassment and flirting. And most importantly, women will feel like as a society we are finally listening. That we take the #MeToo movement seriously and are no longer accepting the status quo.

This isn’t about persecuting every cat-caller and creepy neighbor, it’s about telling our teenager girls who get harassed that their anger and fear is valid. It’s about telling the world that women are people and we must respect them.

 

-Darci

Being a Woman is Exhausting

I like to go running. I find it very therapeutic and cathartic. It’s not for everyone, but it is certainly for me. I go running for the health benefits and for the mental benefits. I like how strong I feel by the end, I like to push through everything and accomplish my goal. I like listening to my music and clearing my head. I like spending time in the sun when the weather is nice.

Running is my me time.

And yet, several of my male neighbors seem to think I run for their benefit.

To clarify, I do not doll myself up when I work out. Some women do (and that is great!). But I am not one of those women. I wear old baggy workout clothes that are neither form fitting or flattering. I turn red in the face almost instantly (#Scottish). I sweat a lot. I have horrible sinus problems so my breathing sounds strained all the time. When I run, I am not putting my sexiest foot forward. And I am not bothered by that one bit. Because running is my me time. I do it for me and me alone.

And yet, so many of the men in my neighborhood seem to think they are welcome to interject into this experience.

I have one neighbor who makes a habit of coming outside to comment on my form and figure when he sees me coming. I actually changed my running route for a while (which was difficult as he is very close to my home, so I was going quite out of my way to avoid his house) because I felt so uncomfortable.

I used to run by some local businesses near my home but too many men would get in my way to try and stop me to talk to me that I, again, changed my running route.

If my male neighbors are doing yard work they will, without fail, shout something at me and expect me to stop and talk to them. I don’t. And so they yell at me about how I am rude.

I regularly have men get in my way on the sidewalk to try and talk to me while running. Men walking their dogs, men out for their own cardio, men running errands. Men who simply refuse to get out of the way because why should they.

Every male I encounter while I go running insists on interacting with me to some degree. Some even insist on stopping me when I won’t interact with them. Every time.

However, I never have women bother me while running. Women step aside and make room, perhaps they will smile politely as we pass by one another. Every so often another woman out running will say something encouraging like “we got this!” or “way to go!” but then they go about their merry way.

A woman has never offered commentary on my figure, my form, or offered any opinion whatsoever while I was out running. A woman has never shouted obscene things at me and then shouted more obscene things when I did my best to ignore them and go about my business. A woman has never tried to stop me while I was running to force an interaction with me. A woman has never stayed in my way while I am running. I have never changed my running route because a woman neighbor made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

Being a woman is exhausting.

The number of times I feel unsafe in my day to day because of men, the amount of times I have changed up my regular routines to avoid men who make me uncomfortable is far too often. I can’t do something as simple as put in headphones and go for a run without being harassed by at least one man.

I am constantly calculating the danger the men around me impose. Should I cross the street? Will avoiding eye contact be enough? Is that car following me? Is it time to just change my routes and routines to avoid these men altogether because clearly this isn’t going away on it’s own? Some days I contemplate dressing differently but I know that doesn’t matter; I get harassed and ogled regardless as to how I look.

And the problem is these creeps aren’t drugged out crazed homeless people in high urban areas. They are my neighbors. They are local business owners. They are “normal” guys in my community. They have wives, children, dogs, they own homes. I actually live in a very safe neighborhood with what are considered respectable people. And yet, these men still make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable often.

As a society, we have a Men Issue. And we aren’t dealing with it. So I have to keep changing my running route to avoid getting harassed by my normal, respectable neighbors because I am not seen as a person but rather a pair of tits on a stick.

And it’s exhausting.

 

-Darci

Nice Guy Syndrome

You know that guy friend that you have that makes you feel like a piece of meat? That guy friend that you know is only friends with you because he wants to have sex with you, and he thinks he is such a gem that you are rude for not doing so? That guy friend that treats his acts of kindness like a punch card for sex? “I’ve been nice to you 11 times, on the 12th I get sexual favors!”

You know, those “Nice Guy” friends, who aren’t that nice at all. Of course, they don’t realize it. They see their niceness as currency to exchange for sex, and it would never occur to them that there is something incredibly wrong about that. They see relationships with women as purely for sex, which again, nothing wrong with that in their mind. So they are nice to you. Until they aren’t. But of course you are the ungrateful rude friend.

The problem with these “Nice Guys” is that they are actually terrible friends (and even worse boyfriends). Everything they do comes with strings attached. Obvious strings. Creepy strings. They value the women in their lives purely as a resource for their dick. They can’t handle rejection. They feel their wants and expectations are justified because they are “nice”. But they aren’t nice. They have Nice Guy Syndrome.

Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) is used to describe men who view themselves as prototypical “nice guys” but whose “nice deeds” are, in reality, only motivated by attempts to passively please women into a relationship or sex.

There are lots of ways NGS manifests. Here are three common examples:

-Guys who feel victimized by the irrationality of women claiming to want “nice guys” but date other guys instead of dating them. These guys also consider themselves to be in the “friend zone”, or a romantic limbo.

-Guys who do nice things and expect sexual reward. Nice Guys seem to expect, at some point, sexual “payment” for their kindness and generosity.

-Guys who feel they are using failed seduction strategies and need to learn better methods from alphas or seducers.

A lot of times, guys with NGS have a fixation on a friendship and are determined to build it over time into a romance. They do so fairly stereotypically by providing emotional support for a woman when she is having difficulties, but the problem is they expect something to come from it that sexually benefits them. Feminists like myself often criticize many aspects of NGS. My primary critique is that guys with NGS are not actually nice guys at all. And perhaps their greatest contribution to the struggle of the female experience is that they don’t realize just how problematic they are.

Why NGS is problematic:

-Romantically or sexually fixating on one person when there is no mutual interest expressed is simply a relationship mistake you have made. You are not a victim of the “friend zone” because you have misread the situation, but rather you are making your friend a victim of your expectations.

-NGS seems to regard a man’s relationship with a woman as successful or valuable only if it is romantic or sexual. If it does not lead to one or both, the relationship is both a failure and a waste of their time.

-By treating “niceness” like currency for sex it further perpetuates the sexist generalization that women want closeness and men wants sex, so you can trade one for the other. And in the process, you cheapen both nice acts and sex. You have made both result oriented, not relationship focused.

-NGS regard women as the moral guardians of sexuality: women should choose them because they are nice and women should reward them with sex for being nice. Women should want them because they are nice. And if a woman doesn’t want them, the super nice guy, then the woman is not fulfilling her moral duty to society. Essentially, in their mind, by not rewarding them sexually for being nice you are teaching them not to be nice in the future. Because what other point is there to being nice if you don’t get sex in return?

-Some men fail to realize they have NGS despite spending their time using misogynistic slurs to describe their alleged friends. They consider themselves heroes for not raping or hitting women in their life, like by not doing those things they deserve a cookie (or sex!). They do not see themselves as guilty of assault or harassment because they were nice first and they were gentle and well intended during. In their minds rape and assault are violent crimes, rather than non-consensual crimes.

Men suffering from NGS have completely missed the point of relationships; be it a friendship, a romantic partner, or a sexual friend. They have deep misunderstandings of the roles women play in society and they have even deeper misunderstandings about the role women play in their lives. And most dangerously, they have failed to realize their contribution to the sexual harassment, assault, and rape problem we have in our society.

70% of rape victims knew their attacker, be it an acquaintance (45%) or a partner (25%). These aren’t strangers committing violent crimes, they are “nice guys” who feel their friend owes them something, “nice guys” who feel they have earned their reward. In my own personal experience, the men who assaulted me were friends at the time.

NGS isn’t just an annoying friend problem, it is the core of the systemic problem with rape and assault. And it is a major problem. When it comes to rape, it is 70% of the problem.

Women are not placed on this earth purely to sexually please men. And while it is nice to appriciate kindness bestowed upon us, it is not required and it is certainly not required to be a sexual favor in return. Women are not obligated to be sexually interested in you. Period. Rejection does not make women rude, and if your “niceness” comes with strings attached, you aren’t being nice at all.

So Gentlemen, if you see women as purely a device for sex, and that is your measurement for the value of that relationship, regardless as to how nice you think you are, just stop being friends with women. And Women, you know the “friend”, just stop spending time with him.

 

-Darci