Happy New Year! We have all managed to make it through another year, and before us stands a brand new one. I like the new year. I like getting reflective and hopeful. I feel like twice a year I really take the time to contemplate, observe, and consider intentionally: New Years, and my birthday. I know lots of people frown on resolutions, I know that statistically we will all fail in our resolutions, but for me that’s not the point. For me, it’s about taking the time to slow down and be intentional, even if it’s just for one day.
And so I have been thinking a lot about 2019. What do I want to accomplish this year, who do I hope to be, what comes next (#HamiltonReference)?
Last year I wrote a blog ever Wednesday and that helped me really find my voice, it helped me feel more eloquent, and it helped me sort out my anger. Last year I voted in a midterm election. Last year I spent a lot of time focusing on my female community and found a family like I have never had before. Last year I fell even deeper in love than I thought I could. Last year I went back to counseling and got to know myself in an entirely new way.
I’m still angry. I’m starting to wonder if I will ever not be angry. And I still have plenty to say. And I want to be fearless in my anger. Stop worrying about being too shrill, too controversial, too difficult. And start worrying about being as honest as I can be, even if it’s unpleasant.
So what do I want this year?
Every time I have asked myself this question I keep finding the same answer: Love Better. Love myself better, love those I love better, and guard my love better.
I am not good at loving myself. I have this voice in my head that is constantly telling me I am not enough and I will never be enough and I don’t deserve to be enough anyway. And I want to quiet that voice. If anyone spoke to one of my loved ones the way I speak to myself I would shut that down before they knew what hit them, so why can’t I do that for myself? I hope to find a way to quiet that voice this year.
I feel so fortunate to be surrounded by a community of people who love me, who listen to me, and who affirm me. To be honest, more often than not it’s overwhelming. And I want to be as good to them as they are to me. I want to continue to learn from them, continue to be fueled by them, and continue to be inspired by them. And I hope I can be that source for them as well.
The older I get, the more I realize I love all the way. I don’t have levels, I give all I have to everyone. And more than once I have loved with everything I have and found nothing in return. Friends, family, romance, I give it all. And when you give it all, you have nothing left for yourself. And so I have learned to be cautious about who I love, and I am continuing to learn that. Over the years I have learned to surround myself with people who see me, who care about me, and who listen to me, and those are the people I give myself to. An important life lesson for me throughout life has been loving the wrong people and realizing it didn’t kill me. My hope is to continue to learn to who to love wholly and who to love cautiously.
I have a lot of hopes and goals for 2019. Maybe they will last three weeks, maybe by June I will have forgotten all about it all. But honestly, I think this year will be transformative. Because every year is. Goals or not, hopes or not, we all change over the course of a year. Each day may feel mostly the same, but when you stop to take a look you realize you aren’t the same person today that you were 365 days ago. And thank god.
So here is to more love in 2019, more anger in 2019, and more baths.