2019: What Comes Next?

Happy New Year! We have all managed to make it through another year, and before us stands a brand new one. I like the new year. I like getting reflective and hopeful. I feel like twice a year I really take the time to contemplate, observe, and consider intentionally: New Years, and my birthday. I know lots of people frown on resolutions, I know that statistically we will all fail in our resolutions, but for me that’s not the point. For me, it’s about taking the time to slow down and be intentional, even if it’s just for one day.

And so I have been thinking a lot about 2019. What do I want to accomplish this year, who do I hope to be, what comes next (#HamiltonReference)?

Last year I wrote a blog ever Wednesday and that helped me really find my voice, it helped me feel more eloquent, and it helped me sort out my anger. Last year I voted in a midterm election. Last year I spent a lot of time focusing on my female community and found a family like I have never had before. Last year I fell even deeper in love than I thought I could. Last year I went back to counseling and got to know myself in an entirely new way.

I’m still angry. I’m starting to wonder if I will ever not be angry. And I still have plenty to say. And I want to be fearless in my anger. Stop worrying about being too shrill, too controversial, too difficult. And start worrying about being as honest as I can be, even if it’s unpleasant.

So what do I want this year?

Every time I have asked myself this question I keep finding the same answer: Love Better. Love myself better, love those I love better, and guard my love better.

I am not good at loving myself. I have this voice in my head that is constantly telling me I am not enough and I will never be enough and I don’t deserve to be enough anyway. And I want to quiet that voice. If anyone spoke to one of my loved ones the way I speak to myself I would shut that down before they knew what hit them, so why can’t I do that for myself? I hope to find a way to quiet that voice this year.

I feel so fortunate to be surrounded by a community of people who love me, who listen to me, and who affirm me. To be honest, more often than not it’s overwhelming. And I want to be as good to them as they are to me. I want to continue to learn from them, continue to be fueled by them, and continue to be inspired by them. And I hope I can be that source for them as well.

The older I get, the more I realize I love all the way. I don’t have levels, I give all I have to everyone. And more than once I have loved with everything I have and found nothing in return. Friends, family, romance, I give it all. And when you give it all, you have nothing left for yourself. And so I have learned to be cautious about who I love, and I am continuing to learn that. Over the years I have learned to surround myself with people who see me, who care about me, and who listen to me, and those are the people I give myself to. An important life lesson for me throughout life has been loving the wrong people and realizing it didn’t kill me. My hope is to continue to learn to who to love wholly and who to love cautiously.

I have a lot of hopes and goals for 2019. Maybe they will last three weeks, maybe by June I will have forgotten all about it all. But honestly, I think this year will be transformative. Because every year is. Goals or not, hopes or not, we all change over the course of a year. Each day may feel mostly the same, but when you stop to take a look you realize you aren’t the same person today that you were 365 days ago. And thank god.

So here is to more love in 2019, more anger in 2019, and more baths.

 

Cheers,

-Darci

 

GUEST WRITER: I Hate Men!

“I HATE MEN!!” <- That’s me, yelling at the television almost every night. Sometimes it’s Toby from “This Is Us” not listening to anything Kate says, as if he didn’t hear a thing she just said and totally speaks over/for her (the current season is much better).  Anytime violence against women is used as entertainment value – one main reason I can’t watch Game of Thrones (sue me). Or how about THE FREAKING NEWS. Women being murdered by ex-boyfriends for no reason. This fucking Boys Club that runs our country and elect’s rapists to the highest seats. HOW IS ANY OF THIS OKAY?!

My husband, sitting on the couch across the room from me either lets me have my angry moment or agrees with a nod.  I always finish the sentence with ‘of course I hate all men except for you’. But sometimes I wonder, do I mean it?

Since I choose to not live in ignorance to the world around me, it becomes more apparent everyday how men use, abuse, and hurt women. I see it in everything. How a white man walks into a room acting as if he owns it. How a man can go running at 11:30pm and make it home without even a thought to his safety. I once read about a woman who started walking in a straight line instead of moving out of the way for men walking the other way. I tried this at my gym. A small space, but I just walked in a straight line to the stretching room and noticed some men seemed totally annoyed that they actually had to move a little out of the way. It was eye opening to see this male privilege in action.

I met my husband 5 years ago and the thing that drew me to him was the way he listened to me. He believed the things I said, never dismissed any emotions. In 27 years, I had never had a man treat me like a person. He is so very aware of his white male privilege and always takes the side of the oppressed. But while he is an amazing man, he is still a MAN.

He is still representative of what feels like ‘his’ people. People born into a male heteronormative lifestyle. White male men who never ask for anything, they just take what they want and see no consequences. It feels like the more women speak out about these micro aggressions, the more it feels like ‘them’ against ‘us’. It feels so divisive.

On one hand, I am grateful to have open eyes and awareness of this, but maybe if I didn’t…
-I could love my husband better.
-I could not get so angry when he doesn’t clean the bathroom.
-I could not be so annoyed when I pick a tv show and ask him if he’s okay with it, but when he picks a show he just presses play.
-I could not look at him and only see the privilege he walks in.
-I could rant and not have to realize that while he tries his best to understand- there is no way he can feel what I feel.

I’m working this out. Every day I am trying to see him for the beautiful human being he is. The person who is my safe place to fall. Who loves every part of me.  I am l trying to navigate how to love him well, while constantly being bombarded with how his gender generally views mine. I basically think it’s my lifelong job to help him understand the difficulties women face and how we are represented (I cannot even imagine it’s 100x harder for women of color).

I don’t really know how to end this article since there isn’t any big revelation or anything I’ve had. Maybe it will resonate with someone else. It feels like until the world fully changes (I don’t have very high hopes it’ll be anytime soon) I will struggle with this. I think I should bring him into this struggle and not deal with it on my own. It feels very raw and vulnerable. While he may not be able to do anything to fix the world around him, he and I can continue to love each other the best we know how.

 

-Allison

What This Administration is Teaching Our Children

The last two years in politics have been an utter shit show. It’s hard to keep up with all the shit going on. The key players change weekly. The plot twists happen so fast if you blink you miss it. And we have all had to face the harsh reality that we are a nation run by racists and sexists.

But this isn’t just about surviving these four years and hoping that we still have elections and a right to vote and that we don’t end up in a nuclear war in the meantime. There are very clear, very dangerous lessons we are passing on to the next generation right now.

The youth of our nation are watching, and we are teaching them horrible truths.

What our boys have learned from this administration:
-There are no consequences.
You can treat a woman however you want. You can violate her body and the law and openly brag about it. You can blame alcohol. You can deny. You can coerce. If you want it you can have it. And nothing bad will happen to you. You won’t go to jail. You won’t lose your job. You can even rise to the highest power of our nation. So what’s stopping you from taking it?

-Women are not credible advocates for their own story.
Look at Dr. Ford. She has advanced degrees, a prestigious career, and has multiple sources supporting her credibility and honesty. She was calm, poised, eloquent, and professional. And yet she was maliciously questioned, attacked, and told all the ways she had misunderstood her circumstances. Meanwhile Brent Kavanaugh can scream and cry and behave like a bafoon and his testimony is considered the credible one.

-If you don’t like the truth, you can just call it fake.
The new mantra any man can use now when someone is telling a story they don’t like: Fake News. And that ends the conversation. A woman accuses you of rape? Fake News. There is undeniable evidence that you payed hush money? Fake News. There is testimony from multiple sources that support claims of sexual assault? Fake News. Man can determine truth and lies based on what is most convenient for them. The reality they want they get.

What our girls have learned from this administration:
-When men yell, they are passionate and full of conviction, when women yell they are unhinged and discredited.
We all know the narrative. If a woman expresses an emotion she must be on her period. And if she is on her period we are not to take her seriously. Because being on your period means you are irrational, and more importantly incorrect. This narrative is pushed in every platform. Find me one sitcom that doesn’t push this narrative and claim it to be humor.
And we women have learned that because of this ridiculous narrative that we must remain calm, quiet, and patient when we are fighting for what we believe.
During the last two years our girls have watched countless men yell and scream because they weren’t getting exactly what they wanted how they wanted when they wanted. While a woman calmly and patiently stood her ground and told the truth. From Hilary Clinton to Sally Yates to Dr. Ford, our girls have watched powerful and intelligent women stand their ground while men yelled and screamed at them.

-What happens to you in your teenage years doesn’t matter, because what teenage boys do doesn’t matter. Boys will be boys.
Just as boys have learned there are no consequences for their actions, girls have learned there is no protection to be found when they are violated. There is no protection, no justice, and their bodies are not their own. And more girls are learning to fear coming forward.

-His future is more important than your body.
We can’t punish him for raping you because think about his future? It doesn’t matter that he was caught in the middle of the act by two sober men who will testify exactly what they witnessed. It doesn’t matter that there are multiple women coming forward with the same story. It doesn’t matter. Because his future is more important, and we must protect his future, not your body.

 

We have to change the message we are sending to our children. This isn’t about republican vs democrat. This isn’t about political parties. It’s about teaching our children to be honest, respectful, and good. Otherwise our children’s fate will be worse than our own. #MeToo won’t matter, #TimesUp won’t matter, women won’t matter.

Our girls deserve better. Our boys deserve better.

The Mid-term elections are almost here. Go vote on November 6th. And maybe we can tell a new story.

 

-Darci